"I don't know if we will make it before dark," the day was burning quickly as we drove across the plains of Wyoming. "I mean, whatever, but it may get interesting."
The day was hot. We were driving south. Tumbleweeds were pinned against the fence next to the road and occasionally one escaped and rolled quickly over the unimpeded flat of the land. The plains looked a dead yellow, and antelope occasionally galloped gracefully across the hills. Cliffs hung out over the road in some areas, but it was mostly just soft hills rolling towards the horizon.
"This is cowboy land."
"I know, I keep thinking I am seeing them perched on horses on the top of cliffs, like we are driving into some kind of lone ranger ambush," said Domenic as he drove the car in a straight line along the black asphalt.
Joeb was passed out in the back seat. I was sitting in the front and Brandon was scribbling in his journal behind me.
"How long until we get to the Rockies?"
"At least five hours, I think."
The day had started out peaceful. We parted the badlands in a grey morning and a lonely wind which made my jaw ache in the cold. Since then we had entered a seared part of the world and the flatness was monotonous and I could not wait to get to the mountains.
"Do you know what the weather is like?"
"Cold. Snow. Should we still try to make it?"
"Hell yeah, it was cold as shit last night we were fine."
Up ahead I noticed a man in construction clothes holding a stop sign surrounded by nothing. We stopped and Domenic rolled down the window, "Hey man. What's going on?"
"Howdy, construcion, the next ten miles. You guys just missed the last train going this way, going to be about twenty minutes. You may as well get comfortable."
Domenic looked relaxed and he put the car in park and turned the key. We got out and left Joeb asleep in the backseat but eventually he woke up and joined us in the warm afternoon.
"Where are you fellas from?"
"Back east."
"What are you doing on this road?"
"Who knows." Domenic smiled slyly and the man studied his expression and I saw a smile try to penetrate through the weathered skin hanging like dough on his face.
"You from around here?"
He laughed and his gut shook through his clothes, "What do you think?"
We all smiled and I could see in the haze headlights off in the distance.
"We better get going," said Domenic and he shook the mans hand and tucked a cigarette in his pocket, "I'm sure this gets boring," and we drove away without looking back.
Domenic was the one who convinced me to take this trip over the summer. We were sitting on the beach with a bottle of bourbon as the sun was setting behind the sand dunes. I was looking at him and he was staring out at the water and there was a concerned look on his face as if our conversation was one of utmost importance. We had spent the day in the sun and I could see it in his face. It was one of those late august nights when everything is the way it should be except you can feel it ending and there is a hole somewhere deep in your stomach.
"This has been one hell of a summer," he said as I drew circles in the sand with my finger. "All the bull shit idealism I have been reading about, I just don't believe it. It is almost like I have been waiting for something to happen and everything to be perfect. This is perfect, isn't it? I hate when I do this. Am I even speaking out loud right now?" He let out a yell to pierce the evening and it was smothered by the wind and he didn't look satisfied.
I looked on at the water. The waves were rolling slowly and creeping up the sand. I sipped the bourbon, "I want to write. I want to do it forever. I want it to be my thing. But it doesn't matter what you do or how you are remembered or any of that because we only have what we have while we are alive and everyone else has what they have and that is it. There isn't much more than that, right?."
"What the hell are we doing?"
"What do you mean?"
"This. Time is just moving and I am getting the feeling we shouldn't be expecting an apology for it any time soon."
"Yeah but we can't do anything about that."
"Look at that wave right there. It just rolls in with so much force and then eventually just recides. To what?" Domenic looked older and like he was tearing apart from the inside. I felt it too, and I didn't know what to say or what to do or anything. "Life feels so bland and then it will be over and then nothing."
"It is more than that."
"Says who?"
"Or not. Either way we'll probably never know."
"Let's just go somewhere."
"Where?"
Domenic looked straight ahead at the water. A gull was strolling awkwardly along the sand, scanning seaweed for some kind of dinner. A gust of wind made my hair dance on my head and I shivered but not from the cold. He just motioned, not with his hand but more his whole body and murmured something under his breath and then he laid back in the sand and closed his eyes, "I don't know. Anywhere."
We both fell asleep for a while and when we woke up the emptiness was gone and it was completely dark. We didn't speak any more of it that night but we both felt different about our home and it may have been because the aura of summer was dissapering like a thin mist and it was hard to tell when it was gone but one day we woke up and knew we had to leave. That was it, we just knew we had to leave.
Joeb snored loudly, so loudly he woke up. I could breathe peacefully and it was enough to make me smile. The car was quiet and I could sense that emptiness again but it was smothered by some kind of excitement like we knew we were as close as we'd ever be to an answer and that had to be enough. We knew it had to be.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
The Badlands.
"You sure you fellas want to do this? We got hotels ten miles back towards Wall." The ranger's breath slowly moved his moustache when he exhaled. He sat back in his chair and the squeaks echoed loudly through the station.
"I think we'll be alright," smiled Domenic wearing a plain white t-shirt and aviators, "been gettin' cold lately though?"
The static from the radio broke the silence. The ranger twisted the volume until it clicked off. He paused, "last few nights its been about twenty-five or thirty, 'bout the same tonight I reckon."
"Fires?"
The ranger chuckled, still concerned, "Not in this wind."
I looked at Domenic, he didn't seem phased.
"Well we better get moving and set up before dark." Brandon had just opened the swinging screen door to the ranger station. He looked inquisitive and I shrugged my shoulders.
"What's the deal with parking?"
"Pull off the road, can't be seen at your camp from the road either. Hike it in at least a half mile once you're ready to go. No fires, other than that, you fellas can do whatever ya want. We got buffalo at the northwest rim of the park. May want to head there."
Domenic turned to face the three of us, "Let's do this," and we nodded in agreement.
Outside the day was bright like a storm had been lingering for weeks and the sun had finally chased away the clouds, but it felt volatile- like at any moment the clouds would return and the sun would be gone again and this would feel like a dream. The wind tore across the plains. It was damp and cold. We stood around the car quietly and took turns digging through bags to find our warm clothes we had packed away and we were silent because of the wind and the slight urgency that the sun would disappear before we had found a place to sleep for the night. I saw Brandon in his long underwear, boots untied, chasing an empty plastic bag across the parking lot towards the empty gas station. Nobody was around, and Brandon's hair looked like a sail in the wind. I buckled my belt and was very secure in my fleece and layers and I felt nervous despite this.
When we were all ready Domenic put the car in reverse and we pulled out onto the road, heading towards the rock formations looming on the horizon. From what I could tell we had almost two hours of daylight left and at least a forty five minute drive to the northwest rim. I watched the plains roll by the window and then we hit a dirt road and slowed down even more. I checked my watch and then looked back out the window at the sun vibrating above the land. It flashed in my eyes. I squinted and smiled as the shadows grew longer on my face. We turned right and passed a sign welcoming us to the park, Welcome to Badlands, Nat'l Park, it said. I looked ahead and saw the road winding across the plains and the vastness was too much to take in but it looked beautiful. As we turned a corner a few bighorn sheep crossed the road. Domenic slowed and Joeb started taking pictures. Brandon whistled, "This is pretty nuts." I laughed.
We pulled off the road at a turnaround and got out of the car. We could see it now, the badlands, stretching off in the distance like volcanoes with no end. We walked down a path and out onto a ledge that felt dangerous. On either side the rocks jutted down fifty feet into crevices and the hard dry clay flaked under our footsteps. We didn't say anything, all of us just scanning the horizon for some kind of feeling or understanding but it just brought a smile to my face and the wind picked up but the rays from the sun were baking us in our clothes. I thought we should probably keep driving and I noticed the same look on Joeb's face so we trekked back to the car.
The drive was slow, but we were captivated. The rumble of the dusty road was deafening and silent. The shadows were long now, in their last stages before they blend with the night. The sun was just above the rocks and when we came into the northwest we drove down in a gully and the sun disappeared. It was dark but we could still see the side of hillsides glowing in the light so it was a small comfort. Without warning Domenic slowed and I looked up and saw an American Bison ahead next to the road. It was grazing and enormous. We drove by it slowly not wanting to provoke it, but it barely lifted its head and lazily continued to eat in the waning hours of the day.
We found a turnaround and pulled off to the side. Domenic shut the car off, the wind was the only sound and it was strong. We started unloading the car and gathering our tents, sleeping bags, pillows, flashlights, the Jetboil, water, food, and of course whiskey. Joeb was looking off in the distance at a few peaks which created a small valley between them. The dry rock was at the horizon and looked to be about ten miles away. We were standing on rolling plains that had dried in areas and we could see prairie dogs poking their heads curiously out of their holes.
"I think we should head that way," said Joeb and we all began walking in compliance. There was no sun anymore but the night had not settled and as we began walking through the knee high straw grass I saw a full moon lingering in the sky which had a fuchsia hue. I followed Joeb with Brandon behind me. I could hear the crunch of the dried soil and breaking grass beneath my feet. Domenic was still gathering things and locking the car and he eventually caught up and the four of us paced through the flat lands until we could no longer see the car and we came upon a dried up creek a small puddle of water still stagnant at the center. We followed the creek bed and found a tree standing solitary in the grass.
"This looks pretty good to me."
"Yeah the tree is a good landmark, and I don't feel comfortable just sleeping in the middle of the grass in case we get trampled or something. Did you see all the buffalo shit?"
"Oh, that is what that is. Gross."
With the light fading fast we frantically set up the tents. The ground was hard and we had left the mallet in the car so it was difficult getting the stakes in the ground. Brandon used his knife to cut open a few cans of chili and when we had set up he had already ignited the jet boil beneath the tree. We sat quietly around the small flame and waited for the chili to boil. After a minute Domenic and I tread through the grass around the camp to make sure we hadn't set up to close to any critters or reptiles that could surprise us in the night. The wind had been subdued by the heavy night. There was a false mist that hung all around us but it was clear and I could see the brightest stars fighting for their position in the sky. They hung in a canopy of burning fire and the moon like a beacon over our heads. We were alone and I felt safe when I was at the camp.
We all ate the chili out of the pot and laughed at how decisively we finished it. We hadn't eaten much since we left Chicago and the chili was delicious. After dinner we scraped the pot clean and made sure we didn't leave any traces of scents that would draw unexpected visitors to the camp, and I sat on the ledge next to the creek and let the dark settle like dust around me. I had my flask and eventually the three joined me and we sat in the silence and I cannot remember true silence other than that night save the occasional gust of wind or cricket.
"So, this is it," said Brandon. I thought of Margaret, "this is it."
"Where the fuck are we?" laughed Joeb and I thought about the nights I'd spent in my bed and the hours I'd spent worrying about different moments of my life and they both seemed very distant and I don't know what this is at all. Even if this is it, it seems like it is not definable anymore like time and it feels humbling to not know.
"A fire would be great."
"You said it."
"I like the dark, though."
"Yeah, it is nice, a fire would be great."
I laughed, "You're right."
I took a sip of whiskey and swished the liquid in my mouth and felt it boil in my stomach-"Shh - did you hear that?"
"What? I didn't hear anything, don't mess with me."
"Shut up. Listen."
As we sat in the night a howl echoed across the plains, followed by the howling of seven or eight other coyotes.
"Way off in the distance, crazy." I quickly took another sip of whiskey.
"How far away do you think?"
"A few miles at least."
"They move quick."
"We're fine guys, relax."
"Do you think that a pack of those could take down a buffalo?"
"No chance. Those things are solid muscle."
"So where are you flying out of, Joeb?"
"Haven't thought about it, where to next?"
"We were going to go to Yellowstone, but I don't know. It's snowing there."
"So what then, the Rockies?"
"Yeah we have it marked on the map, I think we can swing south and hit the mountains by tomorrow night if we want, end in Denver? You could fly outa there."
"That works for me," and Joeb's face jerked towards the hill closest to our camp and in the silhouette atop the hill there was movement and then it was gone like it came down over the face. We could hear running and then a single, long, loud howl that pierced the night and was close, closer in the dark. Then more howls, until it was impossible to differentiate a single howl and they were getting closer until we had jumped to our feet and Joeb had unzipped his tent and we all climbed inside clutching our whiskey and fear with white knuckles.
"Are they in the camp?"
"Shut up. Listen." It was eerily silent like we had imagined the whole thing. We sat breathing too loudly for our sanity and Brandon hung his headlamp from a strap on the roof of the tent and we sat in the awkward light.
"At least I have my first line of defense," said Domenic as he tipped his flask back up over his head and let the copper liquid drain down his throat. We laughed from our nerves and I repositioned myself and we all sat with our legs crossed like in a powwow and temporarily forgot about the threat until our whiskey was gone and we had courage.
"Fuck those things, chasing us inside. I could probably take one down with this guy," said Brandon holding his knife in the fluorescent light.
"We should have held our ground, they wouldn't have all out attacked, probably just circled for a while."
"Probably what they are doing now."
Brandon laughed, "Yeah, probably."
"Well," said Domenic stretching his legs, "I could use a smoke, whose with me?"
"That'd be me," said Brandon.
"Me too," I said. Joeb shook his head, I smiled, "It's the whiskey my friend."
We all stood out in the night cautiously until our eyes adjusted. The moon was brighter than I even remembered and it didn't take long. There was nothing around us that we could see, and we stood smoking and laughing.
"Set up a perimeter with your pee."
"Yeah, that'll be the difference."
I looked off on the hillside and thought I saw movement. I turned on the flash light - eyes. Eyes scattered all over the hillside. Sets of eyes moving and floating in the air. Bright green and flashing, I held the light frozen completely captivated by the sight. We looked at one another, "Time for bed?"
In the tent I lay on the ground feeling sleep bite at my toes and safe despite the thin canvas of the tent. As I lay I heard Joeb unmistakeably start to snore and closed my eyes. Brandon nudged me as I drifted.
"Did you hear that?"
"No."
"Look, look, look at that!"
I watched as shadows cast by the moon slipped across the tent and I could hear a rustle over Joeb's snoring.
"They are in the camp. No doubt." Just then I felt something rub against my legs against the tent. I held my breath.
"Yeah, I'd say so."
All night it went on like that, or at least I think so, because despite the terror that gripped my chest sleep was stronger and I woke up to the sound of a zipper being pulled slowly as if not to wake anyone.
"My head hurts."
"Did you or Domenic wake up to the coyotes in the camp last night?" I said to Joeb.
"I did," said Domenic, "I just laid here literally shaking until I fell asleep. Joeb snored the whole time. It was awful."
"Shit. What time is it?"
"I don't know but check this out," and I poked my head out of the tent and I could see Domenic standing outside he and Joeb's tent, staring off behind us. I climbed out and looked towards the plains we had walked from and saw twenty or thirty buffalo grazing in the grey morning.
"Wow."
"Yeah."
We were all up now and we broke down camp and I was chewing on beef jerky and granola for breakfast. I was tired and the sun was hidden by a thin film of grey clouds that stretched across the whole sky and the wind moved slowly across my face. I noticed the peak which the coyotes had come down from was only a few hundred yards away and I shivered at how alone we were.
"Anyone want to hike it out before we drive again?"
"Absolutely."
"How about that peak," I pointed to the hill, "I kind of want to see what is beyond it."
We started walking and it was not a long hike but at times it was nearly vertical and we all struggled in the morning. When we reached the top we could see for miles and buffalo were everywhere, though not quite the dominance I'm sure I could have witnessed when these plains were covered in herds. So many that one herd would shake the ground for days as they traveled past. So many that it seemed like they were infinite. Now they graze scattered and lazy as we stand alone and in the cool air.
"This is beautiful in a very empty and hollow way."
"Yeah, pictures won't do this justice. It is almost not what you see, but what you don't see. Or something."
"Let's rest here for a while." We sat atop the hill in the silence and the wind. I picked at the dirt and thought about my friends and how I missed them. I imagined walking home and how it would take days to move within my sight and sighed at how it doesn't seem to matter where I am, my feelings are always the same. It is not the place that changes anything at all. In fact, it only makes everything more acute and clear. I do not stand like a pioneer, but as myself in a place which is unfamiliar but I am happy. I can tell like at night when the dark stretches across the water and in my guts I feel something there. We sat for a while and then walked down, back the way we came.
"I think we'll be alright," smiled Domenic wearing a plain white t-shirt and aviators, "been gettin' cold lately though?"
The static from the radio broke the silence. The ranger twisted the volume until it clicked off. He paused, "last few nights its been about twenty-five or thirty, 'bout the same tonight I reckon."
"Fires?"
The ranger chuckled, still concerned, "Not in this wind."
I looked at Domenic, he didn't seem phased.
"Well we better get moving and set up before dark." Brandon had just opened the swinging screen door to the ranger station. He looked inquisitive and I shrugged my shoulders.
"What's the deal with parking?"
"Pull off the road, can't be seen at your camp from the road either. Hike it in at least a half mile once you're ready to go. No fires, other than that, you fellas can do whatever ya want. We got buffalo at the northwest rim of the park. May want to head there."
Domenic turned to face the three of us, "Let's do this," and we nodded in agreement.
Outside the day was bright like a storm had been lingering for weeks and the sun had finally chased away the clouds, but it felt volatile- like at any moment the clouds would return and the sun would be gone again and this would feel like a dream. The wind tore across the plains. It was damp and cold. We stood around the car quietly and took turns digging through bags to find our warm clothes we had packed away and we were silent because of the wind and the slight urgency that the sun would disappear before we had found a place to sleep for the night. I saw Brandon in his long underwear, boots untied, chasing an empty plastic bag across the parking lot towards the empty gas station. Nobody was around, and Brandon's hair looked like a sail in the wind. I buckled my belt and was very secure in my fleece and layers and I felt nervous despite this.
When we were all ready Domenic put the car in reverse and we pulled out onto the road, heading towards the rock formations looming on the horizon. From what I could tell we had almost two hours of daylight left and at least a forty five minute drive to the northwest rim. I watched the plains roll by the window and then we hit a dirt road and slowed down even more. I checked my watch and then looked back out the window at the sun vibrating above the land. It flashed in my eyes. I squinted and smiled as the shadows grew longer on my face. We turned right and passed a sign welcoming us to the park, Welcome to Badlands, Nat'l Park, it said. I looked ahead and saw the road winding across the plains and the vastness was too much to take in but it looked beautiful. As we turned a corner a few bighorn sheep crossed the road. Domenic slowed and Joeb started taking pictures. Brandon whistled, "This is pretty nuts." I laughed.
We pulled off the road at a turnaround and got out of the car. We could see it now, the badlands, stretching off in the distance like volcanoes with no end. We walked down a path and out onto a ledge that felt dangerous. On either side the rocks jutted down fifty feet into crevices and the hard dry clay flaked under our footsteps. We didn't say anything, all of us just scanning the horizon for some kind of feeling or understanding but it just brought a smile to my face and the wind picked up but the rays from the sun were baking us in our clothes. I thought we should probably keep driving and I noticed the same look on Joeb's face so we trekked back to the car.
The drive was slow, but we were captivated. The rumble of the dusty road was deafening and silent. The shadows were long now, in their last stages before they blend with the night. The sun was just above the rocks and when we came into the northwest we drove down in a gully and the sun disappeared. It was dark but we could still see the side of hillsides glowing in the light so it was a small comfort. Without warning Domenic slowed and I looked up and saw an American Bison ahead next to the road. It was grazing and enormous. We drove by it slowly not wanting to provoke it, but it barely lifted its head and lazily continued to eat in the waning hours of the day.
We found a turnaround and pulled off to the side. Domenic shut the car off, the wind was the only sound and it was strong. We started unloading the car and gathering our tents, sleeping bags, pillows, flashlights, the Jetboil, water, food, and of course whiskey. Joeb was looking off in the distance at a few peaks which created a small valley between them. The dry rock was at the horizon and looked to be about ten miles away. We were standing on rolling plains that had dried in areas and we could see prairie dogs poking their heads curiously out of their holes.
"I think we should head that way," said Joeb and we all began walking in compliance. There was no sun anymore but the night had not settled and as we began walking through the knee high straw grass I saw a full moon lingering in the sky which had a fuchsia hue. I followed Joeb with Brandon behind me. I could hear the crunch of the dried soil and breaking grass beneath my feet. Domenic was still gathering things and locking the car and he eventually caught up and the four of us paced through the flat lands until we could no longer see the car and we came upon a dried up creek a small puddle of water still stagnant at the center. We followed the creek bed and found a tree standing solitary in the grass.
"This looks pretty good to me."
"Yeah the tree is a good landmark, and I don't feel comfortable just sleeping in the middle of the grass in case we get trampled or something. Did you see all the buffalo shit?"
"Oh, that is what that is. Gross."
With the light fading fast we frantically set up the tents. The ground was hard and we had left the mallet in the car so it was difficult getting the stakes in the ground. Brandon used his knife to cut open a few cans of chili and when we had set up he had already ignited the jet boil beneath the tree. We sat quietly around the small flame and waited for the chili to boil. After a minute Domenic and I tread through the grass around the camp to make sure we hadn't set up to close to any critters or reptiles that could surprise us in the night. The wind had been subdued by the heavy night. There was a false mist that hung all around us but it was clear and I could see the brightest stars fighting for their position in the sky. They hung in a canopy of burning fire and the moon like a beacon over our heads. We were alone and I felt safe when I was at the camp.
We all ate the chili out of the pot and laughed at how decisively we finished it. We hadn't eaten much since we left Chicago and the chili was delicious. After dinner we scraped the pot clean and made sure we didn't leave any traces of scents that would draw unexpected visitors to the camp, and I sat on the ledge next to the creek and let the dark settle like dust around me. I had my flask and eventually the three joined me and we sat in the silence and I cannot remember true silence other than that night save the occasional gust of wind or cricket.
"So, this is it," said Brandon. I thought of Margaret, "this is it."
"Where the fuck are we?" laughed Joeb and I thought about the nights I'd spent in my bed and the hours I'd spent worrying about different moments of my life and they both seemed very distant and I don't know what this is at all. Even if this is it, it seems like it is not definable anymore like time and it feels humbling to not know.
"A fire would be great."
"You said it."
"I like the dark, though."
"Yeah, it is nice, a fire would be great."
I laughed, "You're right."
I took a sip of whiskey and swished the liquid in my mouth and felt it boil in my stomach-"Shh - did you hear that?"
"What? I didn't hear anything, don't mess with me."
"Shut up. Listen."
As we sat in the night a howl echoed across the plains, followed by the howling of seven or eight other coyotes.
"Way off in the distance, crazy." I quickly took another sip of whiskey.
"How far away do you think?"
"A few miles at least."
"They move quick."
"We're fine guys, relax."
"Do you think that a pack of those could take down a buffalo?"
"No chance. Those things are solid muscle."
"So where are you flying out of, Joeb?"
"Haven't thought about it, where to next?"
"We were going to go to Yellowstone, but I don't know. It's snowing there."
"So what then, the Rockies?"
"Yeah we have it marked on the map, I think we can swing south and hit the mountains by tomorrow night if we want, end in Denver? You could fly outa there."
"That works for me," and Joeb's face jerked towards the hill closest to our camp and in the silhouette atop the hill there was movement and then it was gone like it came down over the face. We could hear running and then a single, long, loud howl that pierced the night and was close, closer in the dark. Then more howls, until it was impossible to differentiate a single howl and they were getting closer until we had jumped to our feet and Joeb had unzipped his tent and we all climbed inside clutching our whiskey and fear with white knuckles.
"Are they in the camp?"
"Shut up. Listen." It was eerily silent like we had imagined the whole thing. We sat breathing too loudly for our sanity and Brandon hung his headlamp from a strap on the roof of the tent and we sat in the awkward light.
"At least I have my first line of defense," said Domenic as he tipped his flask back up over his head and let the copper liquid drain down his throat. We laughed from our nerves and I repositioned myself and we all sat with our legs crossed like in a powwow and temporarily forgot about the threat until our whiskey was gone and we had courage.
"Fuck those things, chasing us inside. I could probably take one down with this guy," said Brandon holding his knife in the fluorescent light.
"We should have held our ground, they wouldn't have all out attacked, probably just circled for a while."
"Probably what they are doing now."
Brandon laughed, "Yeah, probably."
"Well," said Domenic stretching his legs, "I could use a smoke, whose with me?"
"That'd be me," said Brandon.
"Me too," I said. Joeb shook his head, I smiled, "It's the whiskey my friend."
We all stood out in the night cautiously until our eyes adjusted. The moon was brighter than I even remembered and it didn't take long. There was nothing around us that we could see, and we stood smoking and laughing.
"Set up a perimeter with your pee."
"Yeah, that'll be the difference."
I looked off on the hillside and thought I saw movement. I turned on the flash light - eyes. Eyes scattered all over the hillside. Sets of eyes moving and floating in the air. Bright green and flashing, I held the light frozen completely captivated by the sight. We looked at one another, "Time for bed?"
In the tent I lay on the ground feeling sleep bite at my toes and safe despite the thin canvas of the tent. As I lay I heard Joeb unmistakeably start to snore and closed my eyes. Brandon nudged me as I drifted.
"Did you hear that?"
"No."
"Look, look, look at that!"
I watched as shadows cast by the moon slipped across the tent and I could hear a rustle over Joeb's snoring.
"They are in the camp. No doubt." Just then I felt something rub against my legs against the tent. I held my breath.
"Yeah, I'd say so."
All night it went on like that, or at least I think so, because despite the terror that gripped my chest sleep was stronger and I woke up to the sound of a zipper being pulled slowly as if not to wake anyone.
"My head hurts."
"Did you or Domenic wake up to the coyotes in the camp last night?" I said to Joeb.
"I did," said Domenic, "I just laid here literally shaking until I fell asleep. Joeb snored the whole time. It was awful."
"Shit. What time is it?"
"I don't know but check this out," and I poked my head out of the tent and I could see Domenic standing outside he and Joeb's tent, staring off behind us. I climbed out and looked towards the plains we had walked from and saw twenty or thirty buffalo grazing in the grey morning.
"Wow."
"Yeah."
We were all up now and we broke down camp and I was chewing on beef jerky and granola for breakfast. I was tired and the sun was hidden by a thin film of grey clouds that stretched across the whole sky and the wind moved slowly across my face. I noticed the peak which the coyotes had come down from was only a few hundred yards away and I shivered at how alone we were.
"Anyone want to hike it out before we drive again?"
"Absolutely."
"How about that peak," I pointed to the hill, "I kind of want to see what is beyond it."
We started walking and it was not a long hike but at times it was nearly vertical and we all struggled in the morning. When we reached the top we could see for miles and buffalo were everywhere, though not quite the dominance I'm sure I could have witnessed when these plains were covered in herds. So many that one herd would shake the ground for days as they traveled past. So many that it seemed like they were infinite. Now they graze scattered and lazy as we stand alone and in the cool air.
"This is beautiful in a very empty and hollow way."
"Yeah, pictures won't do this justice. It is almost not what you see, but what you don't see. Or something."
"Let's rest here for a while." We sat atop the hill in the silence and the wind. I picked at the dirt and thought about my friends and how I missed them. I imagined walking home and how it would take days to move within my sight and sighed at how it doesn't seem to matter where I am, my feelings are always the same. It is not the place that changes anything at all. In fact, it only makes everything more acute and clear. I do not stand like a pioneer, but as myself in a place which is unfamiliar but I am happy. I can tell like at night when the dark stretches across the water and in my guts I feel something there. We sat for a while and then walked down, back the way we came.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
let me die in my footsteps.
The sun is hovering behind rain clouds by mid-afternoon. We are driving due west into it. I am sitting under blankets and pillows in the back with Joeb. Domenic is in the passenger seat picking a wood-grain traveler's guitar Brandon picked up before the trip. As Domenic begins to strum I'm tired. I hear Brandon cough and the trees are passing us quickly but there are so many of them.
"Let me die in my footsteps, before I go down under the ground,"
grass as far as i can see, Mississippi soon, not like footsteps but more so like carbon, "I will not go down under the ground," the window smears my breath rain is falling now, the wipers squeak in the mist "cause someone is tellin,'" cyprus trees, every morning - "me death's comin' round"
"And I will not carry myself down to die, when I go to my grave my head will be high."
Joeb is asleep his face against the window. Brandon lights a cigarette and the rain is falling hard now like marbles and we slow. The defrost makes it hot in the car, but the glass feels cool except my breath which fogs like _____.
"Let me die, in my footsteps, before I go down under the ground," the rain is cold and the car is warm but damp like dew. in the summers at night i lay in my bed and my sheets warm ripped off my body it has all happened so fast, and we are leaving so that is why the sand still sticking to my clothes the ocean is gone then pacifica.
"There's been rumors of war and wars that have been, the meaning of life has been lost in the wind," i've been here before but not really once just here as we were there and then weren't like that song or penelope? i love or heard since before it was written, it was before it was.
"And some people thinkin' the end is close by, 'stead of learnin' to live they are learnin' to die," for is now just another now and another n-breaking like birds on a wire since the first and now not the last and the past is real but not more than shutter-flash, something brought here to me and this is not a dream until now is tomorrow again.
"I don't know if I'm smart but I think I can see, if someone is pullin' the wool over me," she looked pretty in the moonlight i thought that night would last longer than what is gone. Awake in my mind I have it still and I look at it, then at Joeb who is asleep. I am sweating. It doesn't matter. My eyes are closed and I know I won't sleep because I am too comfortable and when you think about it you can't ever fall as the pebbles crash like rain in the car and a wave i crash under and swimming whish, whish, whish, wipers wiping the water my arms propel through the sea and i can see the land now and crash over head a wave and then resting on the sand, now.
"And if this war comes and death's all around, let me die on this land 'fore I go underground," panting i lay in reigning sun, she laughs, i see her face but cannot reach and floating my legs like stones and then up and on the moon they don't touch ground, "there's always been people that have to cause fear, they've been talkin' of war for many long years," and domenic sings i sing but my head rolls like an anchor can't stop and the waves stopped crashing i see desert and the rays warm, an iron then searing off my skin sweat beads my brow i taste salt and thirst quenched by sand, cough, dry, coughing, i'm coughing, dying, and eyes burn in my throat i have read all their statements, swallow and stone and said not a word but now Lord God, i pity but terror let my poor voice be heard, sweat puddles and drinking nothing choking nothing laughing nothing i cry and puddles now i am swimming hot water, burning and breath breaking ribs and bursting and the surface is down i am spinning let me drink from the waters where waters mountain streams flood and the surface, cool let me smell of the relief of wildflowers flow free through my meadows and the clouds like a puppy, pant, laughing,- blood.
The window feels cool on my cheeks. Perspiration is pouring down my neck and face. My eyes closed. My head spins. My heart slows. I sigh.
"Let me die in my footsteps, before I go down under the ground."
My eyes open slowly and the car has a pulse and a pounding reverberates in my head. Domenic placed the guitar between his legs and I heard Joeb snore in the silence. Brandon flicked his cigarette and rolled up the window. I left my mind on the side of the road somewhere. The rain pours down like God around us. Our tires spin on in the silence. The rain pours down around us. My mind paces slowly, somewhere on the side of the road.
"Let me die in my footsteps, before I go down under the ground,"
grass as far as i can see, Mississippi soon, not like footsteps but more so like carbon, "I will not go down under the ground," the window smears my breath rain is falling now, the wipers squeak in the mist "cause someone is tellin,'" cyprus trees, every morning - "me death's comin' round"
"And I will not carry myself down to die, when I go to my grave my head will be high."
Joeb is asleep his face against the window. Brandon lights a cigarette and the rain is falling hard now like marbles and we slow. The defrost makes it hot in the car, but the glass feels cool except my breath which fogs like _____.
"Let me die, in my footsteps, before I go down under the ground," the rain is cold and the car is warm but damp like dew. in the summers at night i lay in my bed and my sheets warm ripped off my body it has all happened so fast, and we are leaving so that is why the sand still sticking to my clothes the ocean is gone then pacifica.
"There's been rumors of war and wars that have been, the meaning of life has been lost in the wind," i've been here before but not really once just here as we were there and then weren't like that song or penelope? i love or heard since before it was written, it was before it was.
"And some people thinkin' the end is close by, 'stead of learnin' to live they are learnin' to die," for is now just another now and another n-breaking like birds on a wire since the first and now not the last and the past is real but not more than shutter-flash, something brought here to me and this is not a dream until now is tomorrow again.
"I don't know if I'm smart but I think I can see, if someone is pullin' the wool over me," she looked pretty in the moonlight i thought that night would last longer than what is gone. Awake in my mind I have it still and I look at it, then at Joeb who is asleep. I am sweating. It doesn't matter. My eyes are closed and I know I won't sleep because I am too comfortable and when you think about it you can't ever fall as the pebbles crash like rain in the car and a wave i crash under and swimming whish, whish, whish, wipers wiping the water my arms propel through the sea and i can see the land now and crash over head a wave and then resting on the sand, now.
"And if this war comes and death's all around, let me die on this land 'fore I go underground," panting i lay in reigning sun, she laughs, i see her face but cannot reach and floating my legs like stones and then up and on the moon they don't touch ground, "there's always been people that have to cause fear, they've been talkin' of war for many long years," and domenic sings i sing but my head rolls like an anchor can't stop and the waves stopped crashing i see desert and the rays warm, an iron then searing off my skin sweat beads my brow i taste salt and thirst quenched by sand, cough, dry, coughing, i'm coughing, dying, and eyes burn in my throat i have read all their statements, swallow and stone and said not a word but now Lord God, i pity but terror let my poor voice be heard, sweat puddles and drinking nothing choking nothing laughing nothing i cry and puddles now i am swimming hot water, burning and breath breaking ribs and bursting and the surface is down i am spinning let me drink from the waters where waters mountain streams flood and the surface, cool let me smell of the relief of wildflowers flow free through my meadows and the clouds like a puppy, pant, laughing,- blood.
The window feels cool on my cheeks. Perspiration is pouring down my neck and face. My eyes closed. My head spins. My heart slows. I sigh.
"Let me die in my footsteps, before I go down under the ground."
My eyes open slowly and the car has a pulse and a pounding reverberates in my head. Domenic placed the guitar between his legs and I heard Joeb snore in the silence. Brandon flicked his cigarette and rolled up the window. I left my mind on the side of the road somewhere. The rain pours down like God around us. Our tires spin on in the silence. The rain pours down around us. My mind paces slowly, somewhere on the side of the road.
Monday, November 9, 2009
61 North
Chicago stands solemn like an oasis. After driving another five hours through cornfields the city had a uniquely foreign appeal. It was a pleasant sight and I felt a comfort as one who is removed from home feels. When we left Rochester a few days prior, I hugged Joeb and patted him on the shoulder, "Thanks for having us."
"My pleasure. You know I'm flying into Chicago to leg out some of this trip with you."
"You're serious?"
"Of course. You didn't think you were the only one looking to have a little fun."
I looked briefly at the car, "Well, alright. That works."
"My friend Ashley offered us a place to stay. Don't worry," Joeb saw me eying the car, "I pack light."
The traffic into the city was heavy like lead, but a welcomed change from the empty roads dividing the farms of Indiana. After so much time in a car, hours evaporate and blend and minutes cease to matter. Brandon patiently rocked with the traffic admiring the evil that exists in the exhaust of those in a hurry. We all sat quietly, listening to the soft sound of the radio while my mind wandered to vague feelings of home.
To speak of Chicago in declarative terms after spending only one night and a half of day would be ambitious and false, so this is an account of our life this night in the rich setting of Chicago. After arriving nearly precisely when Joeb paid the cab driver for his services we unpacked our routine necessities and in a sluggish manner, one we have seem to have adopted well, brought our things up the stairs to Ashley's third story apartment.
After a few minutes of mulling around I head back out to the car for my toothbrush and to smoke a cigarette. The neighborhood is brick and crimson in the night. Steam pours out of a manhole and whisks down the street. Cars packed tightly and a dog barks in one of the apartments across the way. I noticed a few blues clubs on the drive in. This feels right, this place. This night is cold and holds much promise in that I am tired and not expecting a thing.
Inside the walls feel alive but it is just us and the whiskey tastes warm.
Ashley says, "So what are you fellas' going to get into tonight?" caught up in the thrill as we all are.
"Live Music," says Brandon and Domenic nods in agreement feeling a thirst only temporarily quenched by the whiskey. I smile in compliance.
Ashley is younger but impossible to know. Or as impossible to know she was older. Age has become as hollow as tin and I remember not in time but in flashes of moments stacked on top of each other like tick, tock.
The television echoes in the background but we are laughing and I see Domenic nearly fall off the arm of the couch and we laugh more. Suddenly, the television is off and I am closing the door to the empty apartment and we are on the street diving into the night.
The first bar is too dark and smells like mold but we walk straight to the bar. Two men are plugging their acoustic guitars into amplifiers and tuning with an electrical tuner. The bar is mostly empty but a few groups sit at the small tables dimly lit with fake candles and christmas lights.
"Five shots of tequila," laughs Ashley and Brandon puffs his cheeks and blows air out slowly in a whistle.
"You sure about that, hun?"
"What, don't tell me you big bad boys are afraid of a little tequila."
"No, we'll do it, but yikes," Brandon looks and Domenic and they both laugh timidly.
The off colored liquid smells of a fruity turpentine. It makes me nauseous to even think of it. I hold up my glass, "To Ashley."
"To Chicago."
"To tonight."
"To this whole Goddamn trip."
"To all ya'll."
The burning in my gut is like acid and I see Joeb's eyes go wide and he runs into the bathroom. When he comes out his eyes are glossed and I know he vomited but chuckle softly to myself. Sitting in front of the stage the guys begin to play their set and it is a song I recognize from the radio and Domenic elbows Brandon and we all look jokingly at one another. The man could sing and they could both form decent chords but they had missed the mark long before tonight so I try to speak over the noise, "What about those blues bars?"
"We could go there,"
"This is terrible."
"Whatever, did someone say blues bar?"
"Yeah I saw two, down the street."
"Hey. We should get out of here."
"No kidding, blues bar?"
"There are blues bars around here? Any Jazz?"
"Jazz?"
"No blues bars. I saw two down the street."
"Let's get to it then."
We head out on foot a few blocks to Kingston Mines. Domenic stops along the way and I seem him disappear behind a bush. He is much more comfortable when he returns. At Kingston Mines we give the bouncer our id's and three dollars, and he ushers us inside and we immediately find a table. The lights are on and instruments shine like gold and the band is between sets. A group of girls is laughing near us and we all smile and laugh and everyone seems very happy. Joeb walks towards the table of girls and begins to talk with them and he looks awkward but he is smiling so we all laugh and stay put. Brandon says, "I am looking forward to the drive tomorrow,"
"I know, first road due west for, what is it? Seven hundred miles?"
"Something like that," I say.
"My dad's friend broke down in the Badlands and said it turned out to be the greatest night of the trip - like God dropped acid on the plains, is what he said. Spent the night under a perfect bowl of stars," says Domenic.
"Chicago reminds me of Boston," and we laugh and the waitress has our drinks and a man walks onto the stage who is black as the night wearing a bucket hat and a belly full of booze, "It's ladies night tonight, so Monica, get on up here and sing a tune or two with us. Monica, c'mon, get up here."
Applauding the band breaks into The Thrill is Gone and Joeb is dancing with the girls and we are laughing. My body moves in the seat and I smile because the music is in me. They are spinning and laughing and drinking and I am burning and happy and alone. I am with everyone and I am alone in my mind for a while and I step out for a cigarette and I meet Mike.
"Got a light?" I toss a lighter, "M'name's Mike."
"You from around here?"
"Nah, from the bayou, but been traveling around the past few years workin' at Exxon plants and playin' shows with some bands. When I make enough money, I pick up and move out to play music 'til I need money again then back at another plant. Just left Alaska a few weeks ago. Been bummin' around this place a bit too long."
"Not a bad gig."
"No, that's for certain. Cash in my pocket, can't stay in any one place too long."
Brandon stumbles out of the door in hysteria and he and Mike begin speaking. I go inside.
The lights come on and Joeb is still dancing and we head across the street to another club that apparently stays open all night. We miss the music but the night is cold and our laughter still has echoes and we pay to get in. The music wafts from another room and it is quiet at the bar. We all speak and drink and I see Mike headed into the music room. We soon follow and we enter the room and it is like diving underwater the sound so smothering. The lights are out except on the stage and it is hard to see but we manage to find a table and I see Mike and wave him over. We all sit down and watch the night becomes progressively vibrant and I drum on the table.
The waitress brings over a bucket of ice and beer and we pass them around carelessly, I see the girls Joeb had danced with dancing again. Monica, the singer, is here and so is the other band. In fact, everyone I see now has come over and that is encouraging.
Mike's shirt is untucked and hangs loosely from his bones; his hair to his shoulders. He leans across the table, "There is soul in this," and leans away tapping his foot to the rhythm.
Brandon and Mike are up for a smoke and I sit alone and smile as the room begins to spin. An Aussie joins the band and with his harmonica duels Mannish Boy and is accepted by everyone. I stand up and head for the door and I see Ashley and her friends and she hugs me and we are dancing as the night has become hole punched, and Joeb is dancing with the girls he had met from Spain and I see Domenic and Ashley's friends and Brandon and Mike and Ashley and I we all twist and spin around and laugh until it became a blur but the sun was out when we were home.
"My pleasure. You know I'm flying into Chicago to leg out some of this trip with you."
"You're serious?"
"Of course. You didn't think you were the only one looking to have a little fun."
I looked briefly at the car, "Well, alright. That works."
"My friend Ashley offered us a place to stay. Don't worry," Joeb saw me eying the car, "I pack light."
The traffic into the city was heavy like lead, but a welcomed change from the empty roads dividing the farms of Indiana. After so much time in a car, hours evaporate and blend and minutes cease to matter. Brandon patiently rocked with the traffic admiring the evil that exists in the exhaust of those in a hurry. We all sat quietly, listening to the soft sound of the radio while my mind wandered to vague feelings of home.
To speak of Chicago in declarative terms after spending only one night and a half of day would be ambitious and false, so this is an account of our life this night in the rich setting of Chicago. After arriving nearly precisely when Joeb paid the cab driver for his services we unpacked our routine necessities and in a sluggish manner, one we have seem to have adopted well, brought our things up the stairs to Ashley's third story apartment.
After a few minutes of mulling around I head back out to the car for my toothbrush and to smoke a cigarette. The neighborhood is brick and crimson in the night. Steam pours out of a manhole and whisks down the street. Cars packed tightly and a dog barks in one of the apartments across the way. I noticed a few blues clubs on the drive in. This feels right, this place. This night is cold and holds much promise in that I am tired and not expecting a thing.
Inside the walls feel alive but it is just us and the whiskey tastes warm.
Ashley says, "So what are you fellas' going to get into tonight?" caught up in the thrill as we all are.
"Live Music," says Brandon and Domenic nods in agreement feeling a thirst only temporarily quenched by the whiskey. I smile in compliance.
Ashley is younger but impossible to know. Or as impossible to know she was older. Age has become as hollow as tin and I remember not in time but in flashes of moments stacked on top of each other like tick, tock.
The television echoes in the background but we are laughing and I see Domenic nearly fall off the arm of the couch and we laugh more. Suddenly, the television is off and I am closing the door to the empty apartment and we are on the street diving into the night.
The first bar is too dark and smells like mold but we walk straight to the bar. Two men are plugging their acoustic guitars into amplifiers and tuning with an electrical tuner. The bar is mostly empty but a few groups sit at the small tables dimly lit with fake candles and christmas lights.
"Five shots of tequila," laughs Ashley and Brandon puffs his cheeks and blows air out slowly in a whistle.
"You sure about that, hun?"
"What, don't tell me you big bad boys are afraid of a little tequila."
"No, we'll do it, but yikes," Brandon looks and Domenic and they both laugh timidly.
The off colored liquid smells of a fruity turpentine. It makes me nauseous to even think of it. I hold up my glass, "To Ashley."
"To Chicago."
"To tonight."
"To this whole Goddamn trip."
"To all ya'll."
The burning in my gut is like acid and I see Joeb's eyes go wide and he runs into the bathroom. When he comes out his eyes are glossed and I know he vomited but chuckle softly to myself. Sitting in front of the stage the guys begin to play their set and it is a song I recognize from the radio and Domenic elbows Brandon and we all look jokingly at one another. The man could sing and they could both form decent chords but they had missed the mark long before tonight so I try to speak over the noise, "What about those blues bars?"
"We could go there,"
"This is terrible."
"Whatever, did someone say blues bar?"
"Yeah I saw two, down the street."
"Hey. We should get out of here."
"No kidding, blues bar?"
"There are blues bars around here? Any Jazz?"
"Jazz?"
"No blues bars. I saw two down the street."
"Let's get to it then."
We head out on foot a few blocks to Kingston Mines. Domenic stops along the way and I seem him disappear behind a bush. He is much more comfortable when he returns. At Kingston Mines we give the bouncer our id's and three dollars, and he ushers us inside and we immediately find a table. The lights are on and instruments shine like gold and the band is between sets. A group of girls is laughing near us and we all smile and laugh and everyone seems very happy. Joeb walks towards the table of girls and begins to talk with them and he looks awkward but he is smiling so we all laugh and stay put. Brandon says, "I am looking forward to the drive tomorrow,"
"I know, first road due west for, what is it? Seven hundred miles?"
"Something like that," I say.
"My dad's friend broke down in the Badlands and said it turned out to be the greatest night of the trip - like God dropped acid on the plains, is what he said. Spent the night under a perfect bowl of stars," says Domenic.
"Chicago reminds me of Boston," and we laugh and the waitress has our drinks and a man walks onto the stage who is black as the night wearing a bucket hat and a belly full of booze, "It's ladies night tonight, so Monica, get on up here and sing a tune or two with us. Monica, c'mon, get up here."
Applauding the band breaks into The Thrill is Gone and Joeb is dancing with the girls and we are laughing. My body moves in the seat and I smile because the music is in me. They are spinning and laughing and drinking and I am burning and happy and alone. I am with everyone and I am alone in my mind for a while and I step out for a cigarette and I meet Mike.
"Got a light?" I toss a lighter, "M'name's Mike."
"You from around here?"
"Nah, from the bayou, but been traveling around the past few years workin' at Exxon plants and playin' shows with some bands. When I make enough money, I pick up and move out to play music 'til I need money again then back at another plant. Just left Alaska a few weeks ago. Been bummin' around this place a bit too long."
"Not a bad gig."
"No, that's for certain. Cash in my pocket, can't stay in any one place too long."
Brandon stumbles out of the door in hysteria and he and Mike begin speaking. I go inside.
The lights come on and Joeb is still dancing and we head across the street to another club that apparently stays open all night. We miss the music but the night is cold and our laughter still has echoes and we pay to get in. The music wafts from another room and it is quiet at the bar. We all speak and drink and I see Mike headed into the music room. We soon follow and we enter the room and it is like diving underwater the sound so smothering. The lights are out except on the stage and it is hard to see but we manage to find a table and I see Mike and wave him over. We all sit down and watch the night becomes progressively vibrant and I drum on the table.
The waitress brings over a bucket of ice and beer and we pass them around carelessly, I see the girls Joeb had danced with dancing again. Monica, the singer, is here and so is the other band. In fact, everyone I see now has come over and that is encouraging.
Mike's shirt is untucked and hangs loosely from his bones; his hair to his shoulders. He leans across the table, "There is soul in this," and leans away tapping his foot to the rhythm.
Brandon and Mike are up for a smoke and I sit alone and smile as the room begins to spin. An Aussie joins the band and with his harmonica duels Mannish Boy and is accepted by everyone. I stand up and head for the door and I see Ashley and her friends and she hugs me and we are dancing as the night has become hole punched, and Joeb is dancing with the girls he had met from Spain and I see Domenic and Ashley's friends and Brandon and Mike and Ashley and I we all twist and spin around and laugh until it became a blur but the sun was out when we were home.
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